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Saturday, December 22, 2007



Technical note

Misspelled words and bad grammar are done on purpose in this review to simulate the western dialect of this reviewer.

WP: Howdy Pardners! Welcome to another Roundup Review! Today, my cousin Wilbert and me was sittin' in my livin' room watchin' the Tombstone DVD. We was havin' a six-pack uh beer (belch) and done watched the entire movie. Didn't we, Wilbert?

Wilbert: We (belch) sure did. Now we's gonna do one uh them fancy-pants reviews like Pickles and Beaver.

WP: That's Siskel and Ebert, squirrel brain!

Wilbert: Oh, sorry bout' that, Will.

WP: That's alright, Wilbert. You can't hep it if a truck backed over yer head when you was a kid. Now let's talk about them AK-tors in the movie: First off, thars Kurt Russell playin' the part uh Wyatt Earp.

Wilbert: Yeah, he's the same feller who played the monkey boy on Gilligan's Isle. Hehehe!

WP: That's right. Then we got Val Kilmer playin' Doc Holiday--

Wilbert: Uh huh, he was the same feller who done played the part uh "Ice Cube" in Top Gun.

WP: Wilbert, I swear yer head must be a block of ice! He played "Iceman"-not Ice Cube. That brings us to Sam Elliott who played Virgil Earp. He also appeared in the movie Frogs.

Wilbert: Ribbit...ribbit...

WP: Very funny. Now shut yer pie hole! And uh course, Bill Paxton played Morgan Earp.

Wilbert: Oh yeah! He was in the movie Brain Dead! One uh my all-time favorites.

WP: That figures. Any who, that about covers the good guys in the movie. The bad guys, also known as the Cowboys, don't wear no black hats. They wears red hankies instead. I found that a might peculiar.

Wilbert: Well maybe they blows thar noses a lot. Hehehe! Powers Booth, who played Richard III in the Goodbye Girl, played Curly Bill Brocious. Michael Bien of the Terminator played Johnny Ringo. Stephen Lang played Ike Clanton. He looked like a polecat with a bad perm. Also we have Billy Clanton played by Thomas Hayden Church.

WP: Why Wilbert! That was down-right professional presentin' of the bad guys. What's gotten into you?

Wilbert: I think I'm soberin' up (belch).

WP: Is that a fact?

Wilbert: That's a fact.

WP: Well, Wilbert, I do believe yer sittin' in my chair.

Wilbert: Is that a fact? Hehehe! Will, we just done played our favorite scene in the movie where Kurt Russell tells Billy Bob Thornton that he's sittin' in his chair.

WP: That is a fact. Hehehe! I like the way Kurt Russell done slapped Billy Bob up side the head and dragged him out uh the saloon by his ear. Hehehe! Uh course every western movie needs a leadin' lady. Dana Delany played that part, and she's one PURDY gal! UUUUUUHWHEEEEE!!!

Wilbert: Yep, she has quite a hitch in her get-a-long if ya know what I mean! She starts out in the movie as Sheriff Behan's gal-but she has her eye on Wyatt. Jon Tenney played Behan.

WP: You got it, cousin. The movie begins with Wyatt Earp movin' to Tombstone. He wants to give up being a law dog and make his fortune and lead a quite life--

Wilbert: But the bad guys wouldn't let 'em.

WP: That's right. The plot gets thicker and thicker like molasses till Wyatt, Doc, Virgil and Morgan ain't gonna take it no more! They finally meet up with the bad guys at the OK corral-

Wilbert: Where they has that legendary CON-FRON-TA-SHUN.

WP: You got it! Ya know, the movie also has its funny parts-

Wilbert: Yeah! Like when Johnny Ringo was twirlin' his gun, tryin' to intimidate Doc Holiday.

WP: Uh huh, and when Johnny was all done twirlin', Doc started twirlin' the tin cup he was holdin'. Hehehe! That was a kick in the britches, wadn't it?

Wilbert: Hehehe! It sure enough was, Will. Say Will, maybe we should tell the Pardners readin' this review about the cinnamon-taffy.

WP: The what?

Wilbert: You know, the cinnamon-taffy-the picture quality of the movie.

WP: It's the cinematography, you horse's tailpipe! The scenes looked fine ta me. Thar was one thang though that looked like a phony two-dollar bill.

Wilbert: Tell us, Will, inquirin' minds want ta know. Hehehe!

WP: Well, every cowboy in that movie carried his-self a 600 shooter-they never seemed to run outta bullets.

Wilbert: Hehehe! I know whatcha mean. I thought Doc Holiday was kinda phony too when he say, "I'm your huckleberry." That ain't right. Thar was no Huckleberry Hound cartoons in 1881.

WP: Why cousin Wilbert. You really hit the nail on the fence post. I never noticed that before. Any who, all thangs taken into account I rate this movie four red hankies; how 'bout yerself?

Wilbert: Four red hankies sounds good.

WP: Well thar ya have it folks: yer epinions review of Tombstone--

Wilbert: --by Pickles and Beaver.

WP: That's Siskel and Ebert, squirrel brain! Now get outta my chair...

Directed by George P. Cosmatos
Screenplay by Kevin Jarre
Runtime 130 minutes
Rated R



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Romeo and Juliet--The Motion Picture

When I was a young lad of years numbering ten, this film was released way back then. So long ago yet, it seems like yesterday when I first watched this film based on Shakespeare's play.

Whilst I watched, my world reflected back at me from the mirror-like movie screen. Such noteworthy acting I hath ne'er before seen. Whilst I watched this film I felt such adolescent joy when a Capulet girl met that Montague boy!

I felt the star-crossed lovers' glee! How lucky in love such lovers must be. I remembered back when I was young, the lovers I had gained and lost, not knowing the trials, not knowing the cost.

'Twas not my plan to cry in my beer. Patience was not a virtue my tears held dear. My shredded heart put my face to the test. 'Twas the mask of Tragedy that suited me best.

Fear near doom hangs on its last breath. I know what it is to lose a loved one to death. Thus I totally related to this tale of woe--of Juliet and her dear, sweet Romeo.

Mark me well. To thee I pray. 'Tis the most noble film based on Shakespeare's play.


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I'm Spartacus!




It is the first century B.C.

YOU are sitting on a bench within a dark cold cage. You can see through the air holes the arena where your best friend fights for his life with a short gladius sword. Sitting on a bench across from you is your opponent. He is twice your size and strength. He does not make eye contact with you. When it is your turn to fight, you must kill him or he will kill you.

Are you ready to kill? Are you ready to die? Or will you wet your toga? Who are you?

"I'm Spartacus!" you shout. Yes, you are Spartacus (Kirk Douglas). You find yourself walking in his sandals-you become him-that is what happened to me when I watched this film.

You are a slave, but you have spirit! You attacked a guard who flogged you in the mines where you toiled in the hot sun.

You were sentenced to starve to death, but Lentulus Batiatus (Peter Ustinov) thought you would make an excellent gladiator. He purchased you and brought you to his gladiator school. You were trained and now you must kill or be killed.

YOU are forced to have sex with gladiators. You are thrown into a gladiator's cell. You disrobe, but he does not force himself upon you. He respects you as a person and wants you to choose him rather than force you. Eventually you do choose and fall in love with the man called Spartacus.

"What is your name?" he asks. "My name is Varinia," you reply. Yes, you are Varinia (Jean Simmons) because you may prefer to walk in her sandals instead. You are also a slave at the gladiator school. As Varinia you perform domestic chores.

As Spartacus you survive the arena. You kill the bloody bastard who trained you, who tormented you for months on end. You and the other gladiators revolt and escape, then form an army of gladiators. All you ever wanted was your freedom from this stinking hellhole called Rome!

As Verinia you are pregnant and Spartacus is the father. You adore Spartacus, but you worry about your future together. Will your child be a slave or be free?

Whether you are Spartacus or Verinia, Marcus Licinius Crassus (Laurence Olivier), Counsel and Savior of Rome, will do his best and worst to ensure that your dreams of freedom are never realized.

A decisive battle between the army of gladiators led by Spartacus, and the Roman legions led by Crassus is imminent. Winner takes all! At least that is what Crassus believes. What he fails to realize is that Spartacus and Verinia have a friend in Sempronius Gracchus (Charles Laughton), a Roman senator who doesn't much like Crassus.

So what becomes of you as Spartacus? What becomes of you as Verinia? Will your child be born free or be a slave? And what of the legend of Spartacus? Does Crassus destroy it or does it live on? Be patient--this film (directed by Stanley Kubrick) shall answer all of your questions.

The screenplay (written by Dalton Trumbo) is a speculative account of the historical slave revolt led by Spartacus. It is based on the novel written by Howard Fast. The theme music (written by Alex North) is full orchestra-it magnificently fills the sandals of this film, and beautifully complements the stellar performances of Kirk Douglas, Jean Simmons, Peter Ustinov, Charles Laughton and Laurence Olivier.

Additionally, Tony Curtis wasn't half bad as Antoninus--the loyal friend and sidekick of Spartacus.

The period costumes and scenery appear to be authentic, and caused me to lose my sense of the present while I gained a sense of the past. The stunts and special effects were unnoticeable yet unforgettable-they were very realistic!

This film won four Academy Awards. Therefore, I think it is only fair to warn you that if you watch this film, you will be a slave to the plot until the very end. But for now, I will rate it five stars.

Academy Awards

Best Supporting Actor--Peter Ustinov
Best Art Direction-Set Decoration
Best Cinematography
Best Costume Design

Runtime: 3 hrs. 16 mins.
Release date: 1960
Rated PG-13


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Jamie Kennedy Experiment - the Complete First Season

Jamie: Hey everybody, I'm Jamie Kennedy, and welcome to the Jamie Kennedy Experiment! (Cheers and applause from the studio audience.) This is the show where Candid Camera meets Saturday Night Live. In this next bit, we have a guy who thinks he has a session with a real psychiatrist. What he doesn't know is that there are hidden cameras and that the psychiatrist (me) is a multiple personality and is crazier than he is. The experiment? -- How will he react? Let's watch...

(What follows is on the big screen. The studio audience watches:)

WP: (To Jamie.) Hi, I'm Williampinn. Sorry I'm late for my appointment.

Jamie: Hey, that's OK, William. Why don't you lie down on the couch and we'll get started.

WP: Thanks.

Jamie: So why are you here?

WP: Well, Doc, I have writer's block and have been having strange dreams about a seagull.

Jamie: A seagull? Well, that's perfectly normal; sometimes I fantasize that I'm seagull. (Jamie stands on his chair and flaps his arms.) CAAAAW! CAAAAW!

WP: Hey! Are you all right, man?! You be the doctor; I be the patient, OK?

Jamie: OK, you're right. (He takes out his Woody doll.) Ya know, sometimes patients have a hard time talking to me. Perhaps you would be more comfortable talking to my pal Woody. Say hi to William, Woody. (He speaks in a falsetto voice.) Hey there William. So you think you're a seagull? CAAAH! CAAAAAW!

WP: Please! Put the doll away! You're embarrassing me!

Woody: Hey William, did a seagull crap on you when you were a kid? Is that why you're seeing a shrink?

WP: No! Absolutely not! NOW PUT THAT STUPID DOLL AWAY!

Jamie: OK, OK! Just chill, dude! There, I put the scary doll away. Now tell me more about these dreams you've been having.

WP: Well...well..

Jamie: Common now, let it all out. Don't be shy.

WP: Well...I dreamed I was a woman named Regina.

Jamie: Hey, hey, it's OK; it is OK. All men have a feminine side-

WP: They do?

Jamie: Why sure! Inside my 170 pound frame there is a 300 pound black woman just waiting to get out. Her name is Virginia. (He speaks with a ghetto falsetto.) Uh huh, suga, You ain't got to be ashamed of who you are inside. I let Virginia do the talkin' and my bootay do the walkin'!

WP: You are one weird shrink. Can we get back to MY problems, please?

Virginia: Why sure, honey. Tell Virginia what your problems be.

WP: Well, as I said before, I'm suffering from writer's block and it scares me. It has always been my dream to be a writer or a singer.

(Jamie pretends to zone out. He then becomes the rap character Brad Gluckman.)

Brad: Hey, what up, dawg? I be a sanger too.

WP: What the hell?

Brad: I live a hard life in Malibu. Yo, dawg, I know what you be goin' through. Don't be hatin' when you could be celebratin'. Don't be partay killin' when you could be chillin'. I'm the Brad boy who's the bad boy commin' to you from Malibu without no doubt. Peace to you, bro. Brad boy out! (He blows in his cupped hands and makes rap sounds.) ---

WP: WILL YOU STOP THAT?! What kind of freakin' shrink are you?! I'm not taking anymore of this crap! I'm out of here!

Jamie: Sorry, dude. Hey don't leave.

WP: Why not?

Jamie: I have to tell you something-

WP: What? That I have been X'd? (Jamie looks surprised.) The joke's on you Jamie Kennedy. You're the one that's been X'd.

Jamie: What? No way...you got me?

WP: Yesss! You see, I am not really a psychiatry patient. I am a reviewer from epinions.com, and I am reviewing The Complete First Season of The Jamie Kennedy Experiment.

Jamie: Ahhhhh, man! I can't believe you got ME!

WP: Well of course I got YOU. I'm the one writing this. Anyway, I want to thank you (even though we never met and I'm just making up this dialog) for unwittingly demonstrating what your show is about and some of the different characters you play.

Jamie: You're welcome. Jeeez! I still can't believe that I'm the one who's been X'd.

WP: For those who are unfamiliar with the show, the term X'd applies to the mark (the one whom the joke is being played on). I just want to express further that I think your show is one of the funniest shows ever to hit television.

Jamie: Why thanks, dude.

WP: I love all the different disguises and characters you use to confound the marks. My absolute favorite bit is where you pretend to be a guy who has had jaw surgery and your mouth is wired open. Can you do a little of that for us? I want my readers to see.

Jamie: Sure. (Jamie places a wire mesh apparatus in his mouth, and pours two glasses of wine.) Haow dat? Hood ooh cah fah thom ine?

WP: Hahahaha! Oh, you look and sound hysterical! Yes...hahaha...I'll have some wine. Oh look, readers, he's pouring the wine down his gullet and it's spilling all over his expensive tux. Hahahahahaha! Hehehehehehehehehe! Stop, Jamie! You're killing me! Hahahahahahahahahaha!

This first season, three disc collection includes 17 episodes and commentary by Jamie Kennedy. There is also behind-the-scenes footage as well.

Enjoy! Hahahahahahahaha!


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Jamie Kennedy Experiment - the Complete Second Season

WP: O-K...so I watched the 18 or so half-hour shows, the one-hour specials, the outtakes and commentary of The Jamie Kennedy Experiment-The Complete Second Season DVDs.

Let me tell you. The second season is nothing like the first season. The first season wasn't half bad, but the second season is dumber and more incredulous than Paris Hilton appearing in a G-rated movie.

I could not believe how worn-out and stale Jamie's characters have become. They are more worn-out than Paris Hilton's carpet, or her kitchen table, or her counter tops.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with the show, it is like Candid Camera on crack. Instead of the engaging, charming and classy Allen Funt, we have the rat-faced Jamie Kennedy. He's that actor/comedian whose rat face appeared in way too many Scream movies.

In one sequence, Jamie plays an obnoxious grocery clerk who removes the shrink wrap from a customer's steak and fondles it, sniffs it, then coughs on it. Am I supposed to laugh at that? Someone forgot to send me the memo. That was one of the most disgusting, unprofessional displays I have ever seen!

Needless to say, the customer refused to purchase the steak. Can you blame her? That's not the worst part, though. The rat boy then has the unmitigated gall to tell that poor bewildered woman that she has been X'd. Ha, ha, that's so funny I forgot to laugh and puke at the same time!

In another sequence, rat boy plays a fake tour guide who takes some unsuspecting decent folks on a boat tour of the Florida everglades. A stunt man (who is part of the scam) falls into the river and is attacked by a fake alligator. However, the poor folks in the boat think it is all real. Ha, ha, very funny! Man gets his limb snipped by alligator...story at eleven!

Additionally, the rat boy has way too many sequences where he plays this incompetent parking attendant. He plays a character of a certain nationality (with a ridiculous fake accent I might add) who wears a white jump suit. I loath the fact that the character promotes stereotypes! By playing that character he has done a disservice to all people who wear white jump suits!

Then, of course-

Jamie: Hey dude! Why are you slamming my show? Did someone pee in your Cheerios?

WP: Your show sucks, man!

Jamie: NO, YOU SUCK!

WP: Ha! That rapper character...what's his name again?

Jamie: Brad Gluckman! He's cool and YOU SUCK!

WP: Well, he may have been cool the first season, but now he's not only a worn-out, wannabe rapper from Malibu, you gotta play clips from season one of him all throughout season two! If I want to watch those clips again, I'll rent the season one DVD you MORON!

Jamie: Who are you calling a moron, Cheerio breath?!

WP: Sorry, man, I meant no offense. Moron is a pet name where I come from. Anyway, what's up with the old waiter character you play who drives around the restaurant with a wheelchair scooter, and bangs into tables and chairs?

Or the blind guy you play whose sexy wife hits on the unsuspecting marks? Now you have to admit that is pretty tacky!

Jamie: It isn't tacky, man!

WP: Yes it is! You suck!

Jamie: NO, YOU SUCK!!! YOU-

WP: Jamie, calm down. I have to tell you something-

Jamie: What? Oh....NO!

WP: That's right. You've been X'd!

Jamie: I can't believe you got me again!

WP: And, all you readers out there have been X'd also. I absolutely LOVED season two of The Jamie Kennedy Experiment. It was one of the funniest shows on TV! All of the sequences I mentioned earlier had me in stitches! Plus, this four DVD set contains a lot more DROP-DEAD FUNNY STUFF-FIVE STARS!


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Druids--A Film Review

In the beginning...during the opening credits...the sun...radiates in the dark endless pit of space that seems to stretch to infinity-like the runtime of this film. A comet appears-the quality of the special effects disappears...into the oblivion of space.

The comet reaches earth. The year is 60 B.C.-or is it B.S.? The name of the film was Vercingetorix, but it was changed to Druids (?). After all, even though Vercingetorix is the main character in the film, a druid does make a cameo appearance. The producers considered calling this film Comet, but the comet's role is too large.

The story takes place in ancient Gaul, but was filmed in Bulgaria-or was that Bull-garia? Young prince Vercingetorix witnesses his father's assassination plotted by the Romans and a rival Gallic Chieftain. He swears he will avenge his father's death someday, but for now he will pledge his undying LOVE and DEVOTION(yawn) to Epona, a princess who is his childhood sweetheart, then get out of Dodge before the assassins kill him.

Of course, he can't take the girl with him when he flees. They have to separate and lead separate lives until they reach adulthood and meet again under awkward circumstances. I'm sorry, but that's how it is with these ancient chivalry-type films.

Let's see, what happens next? Oh yeah...he appears in the next scene as a fully-grown prince. He then...hmmm? Oh! I know! He meets up with the princess again, and she is fully-grown too. However, she appears to be shacking up with Julius Caesar, and the circumstances are awkward. What happened to that pledge of undying love between prince and princess? It apparently disappeared into the oblivion of space along with the comet and special effects.

Then what happens? Oh, right! He avenges his father's death.

At one point in the film, he meets up with the druid. The druid introduces him to a foxy sword-fighting chick named Rhia (who is no relation to Zena The Warrior Princess). She does a splendid job teaching Vercingetorix to fight with a sword. "If you spill one drop of my blood, you can do whatever you want with me," she says, batting her eyelashes. "YEAH, BABY! Let's get it on!" He doesn't really say that, but you get the idea.

Meanwhile, Julius Caesar has this thing for Gaul. He sort of wants it for his private collection. During one scene, his army is attacking Vercingetorix's castle. Ya know, that dude's name is hard to say. So from now on I'll just refer to him as V, OK? Anyway, V's army is away from the castle and is planning to attack Caesar from the rear.

The women are still at the castle. They line up on the castle wall and have the Gaul to bare their breasts to the Roman army. A diversionary tactic? Perhaps, but Caesar is not impressed. He has bigger tits than any of those women judging from the size of his breastplate.

From the castle wall, the bare-breasted babes also throw down chickens to the starving Roman army. The disciplined ranks swiftly turn to chaos. There is nothing a Roman soldier wants more than a face full of chicken and breasts.

V not only has to fight Romans in this film, he has to fight some weird red-tie-dye-haired dudes from the north called Teutons. I must say this film's plot really put me on the edge of my seat-I couldn't wait to leave the room to go floss my teeth.

The acting is superbly insipid. First we have V who is played by Christopher Lambert. He has all the charisma from the Highlander films emoting from his being. Oh, I beg your pardon, it was Sean Connery who had the charisma in the Highlander films. Christopher Lambert is the one with the raspy voice that sounds like he smokes five packs of cigarettes a day along with having a bad case of laryngitis.

Next we have Max von Sydow who is the star of the movie. He played the part of the druid. He delivered his handful of lines like a pro. He contrasted Lambert's American accent with his German accent. I thought that was a nice touch. I was able to tell which Gaul was which.

Julius Caesar is played by Klaus Maria Brandauer. He is the fattest Julius Caesar I have ever seen in any film. He tried out for the part of the comet but did not get the role. He also has a German accent. I think that is a good thing, because if he had an Italian accent, it would be hard to distinguish him from the other Romans.

Ines Sastre is Epona. She is good looking and her acting (yawn) was (yawn...zzz...zzz...zzz).

Finally, Maria Kavardjikova plays Rhia. She bared her breasts during one scene to distract a Roman guard. That's good enough for me.

The costumes are cool; they appear to be authentic, although, Christopher Lambert's hairdresser must have been on acid. The scenery and sets look pretty good too. The producers managed to pick locations in Bulgaria that resemble ancient Gaul-or maybe not. It's hard to say. Ancient Gaul was before my time.

Directed by--Jacques Dorfman
Release Date: 2001
Runtime: 124 mins.
Rated R



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Rapa Nui--Who Will Be Your Birdman?


Imagine the Milky Way Galaxy. Zoom in until you see our solar system. Zoom in closer until you see Earth. Zoom in even closer until you see the Pacific Ocean, then a lone isolated island.

Rapa Nui, the navel of the world, is what they, the inhabitants, called the home that we refer to as Easter Island. After a thousand years of isolation, they believed they were the only people left on earth--that all other lands sank beneath the seemingly endless sea surrounding their isolated island.

The plot begins sometime before the first Europeans arrived. The inhabitants are divided into two factions: the ruling class (long ears) and the servant class (short ears).

Under the command of the ruling class, the short ears slave away at building incredibly large facial statutes or moi for the purpose of appeasing the gods. It is hoped by the Ariki-mau, the birdman or island leader (played by Eru Potaka-Dewes), that the statutes will bring the legendary white canoe--which will take the inhabitants away to salvation. However, the growing discontent and hostility of the short ears boils like magma beneath the surface of a volcano that is about to erupt.

Against this backdrop, imagine three lines drawn between three dots to make a love triangle between the long-ear protagonist, Noro (played by Jason Scott Lee); his short-ear best friend, Make (played by Esai Morales); and the woman they both love, a short ear named Ramana (played by Sandrine Holt).

These three dots revolve around the nucleus of the plot, which is the annual birdman race. The winner of this race shall determine which long-ear chief shall be the supreme ruler (birdman). Each chief selects his finest athlete to compete on his behalf. The object of the race is to climb down a perilous cliff, swim across the shark-infested bay to an islet where the competitor retrieves a native bird egg, then he must be the first to return the egg to his chief. The short ears have never been allowed to compete-but this year's race is an exception.

The short ears threaten not to build anymore moi unless they are allowed to compete. The Ariki-mau grants their request on one condition: if the short-ear competitor loses the race, he shall be sacrificed to the gods.

Make is the short-ear competitor (surprise, surprise). Noro is competing on behalf of his uncle, the Ariki-mau. If Noro wins the race, his best friend Make dies. If Make wins, Make shall become birdman and will marry Ramana, who loves and is loved by Noro.

Can the plot get any thicker? Sure it can. Ramana, according to custom, must rot in the cold dark virgin cave for six months before the race so she will be purified--or die in the process. Even if she survives, she may be forced to marry Make rather than her true love Noro.

The mysterious white canoe also makes an appearance near the end of the film. I found this to be a very unexpected surprise-like a who-done-it mystery solved. Although, what happens here is nothing compared to this film's climactic ending-which I will not spoil for you.

I really enjoyed not only this film's story, but the larger-than-life sunrises and sunsets behind an endless-ocean horizon. I loved the images of blue-green surf slapping against black-obsidian jagged cliffs. The construction and erection of gigantic moi statutes was a wonder to watch.

The theme music was rather unique and captured the essence of the plot and the island images. It mainly consisted of pulsating synthesizer strings. During the closing credits, I heard what sounded like authentic Polynesian tribal music. I found that rather fascinating.

Some noted flaws in the film were the actors' inconsistent pronunciation of the word "Ariki-mau." Sometimes they pronounced it "Ariki-moi," or "Ariki-moe" as in Larry, Curley and Moe. Another flaw was the fact that Noro was trained for the race by a short-ear coach. Since short ears weren't normally allowed to compete in the race, one has to wonder where this short-ear coach gained his experience.

On the whole, Rapa Nui is a magnificent film to watch. The acting and direction was superb--Esai Morales did what I thought was some of the best acting I have ever seen.

The plot is a fictional account of what happened during those turbulent times of Easter Island's history--Kevin Reynolds' screenplay hit the ball out of the park! I was left with the impression that this film's plot may have really happened.

I say watch this flick and rate it four stars yourself.

Written and directed by Kevin Reynolds
Original music by Stewart Copland
Produced by Kevin Costner
Runtime: 120 minutes
Rated R



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Spock Proves There's Life After Death

(Star Trek theme music in the background.)

KIRK:(Off camera.) Kirk's log, star date 9876543210... Spock, Bones, Scotty, Sulu and I are still playing the ancient game of golf at the Federation Retirement Home located on the planet Liverspot in the double star system of Bush and Cheney.

(Cut to the first tee of the golf course. Scotty is once again tinkering with the antimatter golf cart while Kirk and the rest are driving golf balls into the green.)

SCOTTY: Capt'n, I dunno why she broke down again! It'll take a bloody miracle to get her going again!

KIRK: (Sighing.) I should be used to this routine by now. Whether it be the Enterprise or a golf cart, we always need a miracle. Scotty, we'll check back on you later.

BONES: That blasted golf cart is gonna give us all ulcers, and then I'm gonna have to come out of retirement and perform medical miracles on all of us!

SPOCK: You humans certainly let your emotions get the best of you.

BONES: Well don't let logic get the best of you, Spock. That theory of yours is the most preposterous thing I have ever heard-that we are all characters in a script and God is the scriptwriter!

KIRK: Gentlemen, please,,,we are here to enjoy ourselves. Spock, according to many religions on Earth, there is some sort of life after death. Do you think you can prove that there is in fact life after death?

SPOCK: Yes, Captain, I think I can.

BONES: This I've got to see!

KIRK: Fire away then Science Officer Spock.

SPOCK: As you are probably aware, 15 billion years ago the universe started out as a singularity. Then there was the BIG BANG and much light and energy was released,,,

BONES: In the beginning, the Lord said, "Let there be light."

SPOCK: That is illogical, Doctor. The Supreme Being saying, "Let there be light" could not have been the beginning or the first act of the Supreme Being. In the beginning the Supreme Being had to have created the Hebrew language and verbal speech-so he/she could then proceed to say: "Let there be light."

BONES: Confound it, Spock! Can't you let anything slip through that logic net of yours? Why do you have to analyze everything to death...

KIRK: Gentlemen, please...calm down. Continue with your proof, Spock.

SPOCK: As I was saying, after the BIG BANG much light, energy and matter was released. Stars, galaxies, solar systems and planets were formed. Eventually, life as we know it was formed out of matter and energy originating from the BIG BANG.

BONES:(Chuckling.) Do you think we'll go out with a bang as well?

SPOCK: Very funny, Doctor. The point I am making here is that the matter and energy that make up our beings has been around for the last 15 billion years. We have each existed in one form or another for that length of time.

BONES: Fascinating!

SPOCK: That's my line, Doctor.

BONES: Sorry...go ahead...

SPOCK: When we die, our current lives may be lost...

KIRK: ...but our matter and energy will live on...Spock, you're a genius!

SPOCK: Thank you, Captain.

SCOTTY: Capt'n! The golf cart is ready to take us to the second tee!

(Kirk, Spock, Bones and Scotty climb into the golf cart. Sulu is in the driver's seat.)

KIRK: Mr. Sulu, set a course for the second tee, warp factor 100000000....

SULU: Aye, sir.

KIRK: So Spock, what do you think will happen to this golf cart when it finally dies?

SPOCK: Its matter and energy will continue...

SCOTTY: ...but will have breakdowns along the way...

(Laughter erupts. Spock shrugs his shoulders and raises his eyebrows.)

SPOCK: Humans.

Note: Special thanks to Gene Roddenberry and the creators of Star Trek.


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Spock Proves the Existence of God

Star Trek theme music is playing in the background.)

KIRK:(Off camera.) Kirk's log, star date 123456789... Much of the crew of the Enterprise, including myself have retired to the Federation Retirement Home located on the planet Liverspot, in the double star system of Bush and Cheney. There, my old friends Spock, Bones, Sulu, Scotty, and I enjoy the ancient game of golf mixed with some lively conversation.

(Cut to the golf course. Scotty is busy examining the innards of a 23rd century antimatter golf cart. Kirk and the rest look on.)

SCOTTY: I dunno, Capt'n, I think it's gonna take a miracle to get this thing going again!

KIRK:(Sighs.) Oh, alright Scotty. Just do the best you can-it's not like we're under attack by the Klingons. So take your time.

BONES:(Chuckling.) Some things never change, do they Jim. We get older, but the rest of the universe stays the same.

SPOCK: So it would appear, Doctor.

KIRK: Spock, Chekov was telling me the other day that you came up with some sort of proof that a Supreme Being exists?

SPOCK: That is correct.

BONES: Oh! I've got to hear this!

KIRK: Well...go on then...tell us. We're all ears.

SPOCK: Imagine that you have beamed down to a deserted Class M planet. There are no detectable life forms. The only things remaining are what appear to be habitat structures. What inferences can you make from this evidence?

BONES:(Chuckling.) Someone was late paying the rent, and the landlord evicted 'em.

SPOCK: Very amusing, Doctor. Now if I may continue. We can infer one of two things: The structures sprang up by themselves as a result of a series of random events...

BONES: Or?

SPOCK: ...or there was intelligent life inhabiting the planet...

KIRK: And it was they who built the structures.

SPOCK: That is correct.

BONES: Well what the blazes does that prove?!

SPOCK: The point I'm making here Doctor is that we cannot detect the life forms responsible for erecting the structures, but it is perfectly logical to hypothesize that the life forms exist, or at least existed at one time.

KIRK: Oh, I see where you are going with this: If we can find some "structures" that only a Supreme Being could have built, then we can infer that such a being exists-even though our sensers don't detect its existence.

SPOCK: Not exactly. First, we have to eliminate the possibility that the "structures" sprang up by pure chance.

BONES: Then by process of elimination we can conclude that only intelligent life-a Supreme Being-created the "structures"...

SPOCK: Or a race of Supreme Beings.

KIRK: So Spock, how do we eliminate the possibility of pure chance?

SPOCK: We must first imagine we live in a universe where everything happens by pure chance.

BONES: Well, obviously that would be impossible, since we exist, we are intelligent life, and we make things happen on purpose. So to some extent, things don't happen purely by chance.

SPOCK: You are correct, Doctor. It is logical to infer from the evidence of our existence that it is possible that other intelligent life in the form of a Supreme Being also exists. However, let us continue to examine pure chance: Let us suppose that we are flipping a coin. The coin keeps landing on its edge, which is highly improbable. The coin should land on heads or tails most of the time. If it continues to land on its edge, we can infer that someone or something unseen and unknown to us is interfering with the coin's probable outcomes.

KIRK: So if we can find something analogous in our universe to the "coin" and "structures," we have our proof of a Creator...a Supreme Being?

SPOCK: Yes, I believe we will have as much proof as we are ever going to have short of direct contact.

BONES: Spock, you green-blooded, pointed-eared freak! Tell us already what in our universe is analogous to your "structures" and "coin" illustrations!

SPOCK: You're familiar with mathematics and Science, Doctor. If our universe were pure chaos and pure chance, then mathematics and Science would have no value.

KIRK: But Spock everyone knows that math and science are products of us-not a Supreme Being.

SPOCK: So it appears, Captain. The laws of physics are like the "coin" . They consistently work for us, but they don't have to. Pure chance and chaos dictate that physical laws should not work for us consistently. Therefore, something or someone is interfering with the probable outcomes. Light always travels the same speed, large masses always warp space, and protons are always attracted to electrons. These phenomena are like the coin consistently landing on its edge. Such determinism should not exist in a chaotic universe.

BONES: Even the chaos we do have seems to have stacked odds that we can master with math, science and technology.

SPOCK: Precisely, Doctor. Therefore, pure chance can be eliminated as a possible cause of the "structures."

KIRK: So what is analogous to the "structures" in your deserted planet illustration?

SPOCK: Why the universe's design and structure. Now that we have eliminated pure chance as the cause of the universe's design...

BONES: There must be a God-I knew it!

KIRK: Spock, why do you suppose we have never made direct contact with this Supreme Being?

SPOCK: I have a theory...

BONES and KIRK: Let's here it!

SCOTTY: Capt'n, the golf cart is ready to go!

(Kirk, Bones, Spock, Scotty climb into the golf cart. Sulu is in the driver's seat)

KIRK: To the first tee, warp factor 100000...., Mr. Sulu!

SULU: Aye, sir.

KIRK: Now where were we? Oh yes...Spock continue...

SPOCK: I believe that we can no more make contact with the Supreme Being than the characters in a play can make contact with the playwright.

KIRK: Spock, are you suggesting that we are just characters in a writer's script?

SPOCK: Yes, Captain-

BONES: Holy Gene Roddenberry, Spock, that's absurd! I think, therefore I am! I have free will! I refuse to believe that I am nothing more than a character in a play!
(Laughter erupts in the golf cart at Spock's expense.)

SPOCK:(With a slightly perturbed countenance, Spock raises his eyebrows) Humans.


Note: Special thanks to Gene Roddenberry and the creators of Star Trek.

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Columbo - "Prescription Murder"

Columbo: Excuse me, sorry to bother you...I was just wonderin' if you have a light for my cigar?

WP: Who are you and how did you get in here?

Columbo: Sorry that I startled you. I'm Lieutenant Columbo of the Los Angeles Police. I'm investigating a murder.

WP: A murder? Well, surely you don't think I had anything to do with all those corpses buried in my back yard?!

Columbo: You have a back yard? Well, I must say, my wife and I live in a dingy little apartment with only a balcony. We always wanted a place with a yard and--

WP: Lieutenant, I'm very busy at the moment. Could you please get to the point!

Columbo: Sure, sure. I'm just here for your review along with the other cast members. Now how about that light? (williampinn lights Columbo's cigar with a Bic lighter that will be reviewed separately.)

WP: OK, so you are here for my review. Tell me about this murder you are investigating.

Dr. Flemming: I'll tell you what you want to know. Permit me to introduce myself. My name is Dr. Ray Flemming. The Lieutenant here has some crazy wild-eyed notion that I killed my rich wife who threatened to divorce me, ruin my psychiatry practice, and cut me out of her rich family's circle of influence.

Surely, none of what I just told you is hardly a motive for murdering my wife Carol. When she was alive, she and I had a simple misunderstanding. She believed that I was having an affair with my mistress Joan Hudson. Have you ever heard of anything so preposterous?

WP: Was that you digging in my backyard last night?

Joan: Oh surely your joking! Ray would never hurt a fly. He and I are going to be together from now on. I'll have him all to myself.

Columbo: I beg your pardon, Miss...eh...

Joan: Hudson.

Columbo: Yes, Miss Hudson, I was just wondering if you and Dr. Flemming know each other.

Joan: Well...yes...he's my...my psychiatrist. I'm his patient.

Columbo: I see. Thanks for clearing that up for me. Oh...say...ah...just one more thing, Ms Hudson.

Joan: Yes?

Columbo: Are you and Dr. Flemming here having some sort of affair?

Dr. Flemming: Don't tell him anything, Joan, not until we have destroyed all the evidence.

Joan: (To Ray.) Yes, of course, darling. (To Columbo.) No Lieutenant! We're not having an affair!

Columbo: Thanks for clearing that up. I'll be in touch.

WP: Well, AC reader, what you have just witnessed is a sample of what you can expect to see and hear when you watch Prescription: Murder the 1968 pilot episode of the Columbo television series.

Peter Falk plays the role of Lieutenant Columbo. Columbo plays dumb to disarm his murder suspects. He is actually a genius on the same level as Sherlock Holmes. Peter Falk clearly defined the role with his mangy overcoat, bad posture, and gesticulations with cigar in hand.

Gene Barry smoothly plays the overconfident and arrogant Dr. Ray Flemming.

Nina Foch does a believable job playing the incensed Mrs. Flemming.

Katherine Justice shows off her fine acting talent by playing the terribly naive mistress of Dr. Flemming.

Another notable performance came from William Windom who expertly played Dr. Flemming's best friend Burt Gordon.

The plot is not the typical who-done-it mystery, but rather a how-is-Columbo-going-to-catch-this-guy mystery. All the scenes were masterfully executed. I found myself immersed in Columbo's jurisdiction and totally hooked by the suspense of the story.

This is an exceptional pilot that kicked off a series that is now considered a classic-I rate it five cigars..er...stars.

Columbo: Say...sorry to bother you again-

WP: What is it now, Lieutenant?!

Columbo: The wife and I are looking for a new place with a yard. I was just wonderin' if you know of any place that is available in your neighborhood.

WP: I have a question for you, Columbo! For years I have watched you jerk suspects around with your nonchalant banter. You mention your wife in so many episodes, but we never see her. We see your basset hound but never your wife-

Columbo: What are you driving at?

WP: You murdered your wife! Am I right?

Columbo: You finally found me out. I don't know what to say.

WP: Officers, take the Lieutenant into custody...

Written by Richard Levinson, William Link
Directed and produced by Richard Irving
Runtime: 99 mins.
Air date: 2/20/68


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Lethal Weapon 2 OK...OK...OK...

OK...OK...OK...what ever you want...Leo Getz. Get it? What you want is back by popular demand. I'm talking about our friends the over-the-top cops Riggs (Mel Gibson) and Roger (Danny Glover) starring in the sequel Lethal Weapon 2.

Who's Leo Getz? OK..OK...let me explain. My nose hurts so bear with me here, OK? OK...OK..Leo Getz (Joe Pesci) is a federal witness that Roger and Riggs are assigned to protect.

Why does my nose hurt? Well, the movie has a lot of action and violence. I got so caught up in it, I accidentally punched myself in the nose, OK? OK...OK...now let me tell you more about the movie. (By the way, as I write this review, I'm impersonating Leo Getz. Get it? OK...OK...)

This film starts out with a rather unique chase scene: Riggs is chasing a red BMW on foot! Can you believe that?! Is that insane or what?! OK..OK...the BMW crashes with Riggs and Rog right on its tail. The driver pulls a "David Copperfield" and disappears.

You're not gonna believe this, but in the trunk of the BMW are about a million dollars worth of krugerrands! Excuse me! But you would think an armored car would be used to transport that kind of (beep), not a (beep)-ing BMW!

OK...OK...so the krugerrands belong to some really bad South African diplomats who use their diplomatic immunity to get away with all kinds of (beep)! OK...OK...so the movie has some adult language in it, OK?

Anyway, Riggs and Rog are assigned to protect Leo to keep THEM out of trouble. Yeah right! Turns out Leo stole some big bucks from the South African boys--and they're the ones trying to knock Leo off. Ha!

So Riggs and Rog have no choice but to take on these scumbags and create as much mayhem as possible. Included are chase scenes, explosions, fight scenes and a jump off a 15 story balcony into a swimming pool.

Does this sound like a fun film, or what?!

Mel Gibson plays the wild-eyed cop with special-forces training. His character is more tongue-n-cheek in this film, and not as heavy as in the first film.

Danny Glover seamlessly repeats his performance as the reluctant cop who just wants to play it safe, but gets sucked in by Riggs' enthusiasm and willingness to take risks.

Joss Ackland and Derrick O'Conner play bad guys that blew me away! O'Conner does a fantastic fight sequence with Gibson.

Patsy Kensit respectably plays Riggs' girlfriend.

Traci Wolfe respectably plays Roger's daughter who appears in a condom commercial which becomes a source of embarrassment for Roger throughout the film.

Joe Pesci stole the show! His chatterbox character is a riot!

OK...OK...five stars!


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Lethal Weapon--A Film Review

He stares at his wife's picture as he sits alone in the dark. She is deceased--a victim of a car bomb that was meant for him. Tears well up in his eyes. "I miss you..." He puts a gun in his mouth, closes his eyes as he tenses up, bracing himself for his own demise.

Time stops cold for a few seconds. Suddenly, in an apparent change of heart, he puts the gun down. Sergeant Martin Riggs (Mel Gibson) is a man torn between living and dying. That makes him lethal--a Lethal Weapon.

Sergeant Roger Murtaugh (Danny Glover) is a sane, conservative cop who just wants to stay alive and stay out of trouble. "I'm getting too old for this sh..." he declares. He is assigned a new partner. Oh no! His new partner is Riggs! "I'll drive," he tells Riggs, nervously wiping the sweat from his brow.

Now the fun begins!

Lots of suspense, intrigue and action follow with a little comedy thrown in. You see, an old friend of Murtaugh's (Tom Atkins) wants Murtaugh and Riggs to get some very bad bad guys who killed his daughter. These very bad bad guys are led by General Peter McAllister (Mitch Ryan) and his own lethal sidekick, Mr. Joshua (Gary Busey).

What makes these very bad bad guys so very very bad? Apparently they deal drugs and have a CIA background. They also have special-forces training--sort of like Rambo. You dig? However, they don't know who they're messin' with. Riggs also has had special-forces training, and is the star of the movie.

Mel Gibson superbly portrays the cop who is always on the edge, teetering between sanity and insanity. His acting technique or method is outstanding. He creates a very complex, realistic character with his dialog, facial expressions and mannerisms As I watched this film, I could definitely feel and relate to his character's angst. He is also quite the comedian with his dry and often over-the-top wit.

Danny Glover is the perfect foil and straight man to Mel Gibson. He does a seamless rendition of the reluctant cop who just wants to play it safe but always manages to get sucked in by Rigg's enthusiasm and willingness to take risks.

Gary Busey makes a pretty "good" bad guy, and does some excellent fight choreography with Gibson.

Mitch Ryan does a respectable acting job, although nothing to write home about.

Mary Ellen Trainer plays the concerned police shrink that Riggs always manages to embarrass--giving this film some comic relief.

This film is R-rated and perfect to watch in the dark while the kiddies are fast asleep.


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World Trade Center: Oliver Stone's Recipe for Disaster

He could have shown the plane crashing into tower one. He could have shown the next plane crashing into tower two. He could have shown the third plane crashing into the pentagon.

He showed none of that.

He could have given us political spin.

He gave us none of that.

He showed us people in danger of being buried alive from a terrorist attack. He showed police desperately trying to evacuate the buildings only to be buried and trapped under a pile of rubble.

He showed the worried, mournful expressions and dialog of the victims' families. A pregnant wife wants to scream and cry like a little girl, but stays silent so as not to frighten her little girl. Is her husband inside the collapsed building or is he outside? Is he safe or is he...?

What will she say to her little girl when she asks, "Mommy, is Daddy ever coming home?"

He showed police officers--with broken bones and internal bleeding-- trying desperately to raise each other's spirits as they lie trapped in the dark, stifling hell created by fallen concrete and steel. Will they get out alive? Even if they do, will they ever be whole again?

He showed the flashback memories of the victims and family members. We see how wonderful the victims' lives were before the tragedy: a kind of before/after montage-which makes the tragedy seem all the more tragic.

He showed rescue workers of all stripes and political persuasions working together to save lives. He showed a marine sergeant and a firefighter working side-by-side, climbing and walking on top of the rubble, calling out, "If you can hear us, yell out or tap!"

He showed a boy pleading with his mother. "Mom, let's go find Dad! Don't you care?" The mother does really care and is torn up inside. She feels helpless because she has been told there is nothing she can do. How does she explain this to her little boy?

What he could have shown, he chose not to. In this film, Oliver Stone focused on the people-not politics and special effects. For me that made the film even more real--and not the action-adventure/political-spin flick I expected.

This film was really hard, even painful to watch. I fought back the tears as I witnessed not the largely unseen horrors of the terrorist acts, but the horrified, anguished expressions and mannerisms of award-winning performances by Nicolas Cage , Maggie Gyllenhaal , Michael Pena and Maria Bello.

The theme music by Craig Armstrong only further enhanced the humanness of the human tragedy that occurred on September 11, 2001.

In my opinion, this film is of the same caliber as Platoon, the film that put Oliver Stone's name on the Hollywood maps. I rate it five stars.

Cast

Donna McLoughlin-Maria Bello
John McLoughlin-Nicholas Cage
Steven McLoughlin-Connor Paolo
Will Jimeno-Michael Pena
Allison Jimeno-Maggie Gyllenhaal
Volunteer Fireman-Nicky Katt
Marine Sergeant Thomas-William Mapother

Release Date: 2006
Runtime: 128 mins.
Rated PG-13



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Ben Hur--A Film Review




Judah Ben-Hur

Several fathoms beneath the Mediterranean sea there lies the ruins of a sunken Roman ship, and the rusted chains and shackles that restrain skeletons (formally galley slaves). One shackle in particular restrains no skeleton. That shackle belonged to me, Judah Ben-Hur (Charleton Heston).

I was a galley slave aboard that ship, and was kept alive to serve it by rowing the oars. As I rowed the oars, I could see into the world of the writer of this review as plainly as he could see into mine. I noted his countenance as he watched my trials and tribulations.

He was fascinated by what he saw, yet sympathetic-and definitely entertained.

Quintus Arrius

I, Quintus Arrius (Jack Hawkins) was the commander of the sunken ship and a Counsel of Rome. I released Judah from his chains so that he might serve me as gladiator or charioteer in the great Roman Circus. When the ship was attacked, he saved my life. I later made him my adopted son.

I too could see into the world of the writer of this review. I must say he found my part in the film dynamic and interesting.

Esther

I was a house servant of Judah named Esther (Haya Harareet). I loved Judah and he I, but we could not marry because I was promised to another man. Judah gave me my freedom. I will always be grateful for that. And, maybe someday we will be together.

I saw into the eyes of the man writing this review. I could see he felt my pain, my heartache and my passion as he watched my world.

Messala

Judah and I were friends since childhood. I am Messala (Stephen Boyd) a Roman tribune. When I was stationed in Judea, I was once again united with my dear old friend, Judah. However, he refused to cooperate when I asked him to inform on his people who spoke out against Rome.

At the first opportunity, I had his mother and sister imprisoned and sent him to rot as a slave in the galleys. The writer of this review thought I was a scoundrel for doing this, but he should try to understand my position. Judah was my friend but I cannot let that fact interfere with my judgment. I must put Rome above all else-that is my duty.

Sheik Ilderim

Sheik Ilderim (Hugh Griffith) is how you may address me. I had the finest chariot horses. I knew if I could find the right charioteer, I might finally beat the reigning Circus champion Messala. Judah Ben-Hur was that charioteer-and what a chariot race it was! Two old friends who became enemies battling it out in the Circus arena.

When I looked through the lens leading to the outside world, I could see this reviewer's eyes bug out and his jaw drop as he watched the race. I think he found the action and violence in the race to be remarkable and exciting!

Miriam and Tirzah

Judah's mother, Miriam (Martha Scott) and I his sister Tirzah (Kathy O'Donnell) were imprisoned when a tile fell from our roof and hit the Roman Governor as his procession passed the street below. Messala used this mere accident as an excuse to not only imprison us, but to send Judah away from us. Will we ever be together again as a family?

We could see that the writer of this review felt our pain and hope as he helplessly watched the plot of our lives unfold. Perhaps the other man they call the "Christ" will save us all.

William Pinn

Needless to say, this film is a classic that won 11 academy awards. I give the cast, the costumes, the sets, the locations, the action, the music, etc., etc. five "Hail Jupitors!"

As I watched the characters in this film, they seemed so alive and so real that I sometimes felt they were looking right back at me. Imagine that.

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Classic Television Review: Kung Fu

Teleplay by Ed Spielman and Howard Friedlander
Original Music by Jim Helms
Directed by Jerry Thorpe
Runtime: 74 mins.


America is the place. The old west is the time. Kung Fu is the legend. Kwai Chang Caine is the man.

But he is no ordinary man. He is a Shaolin priest. His hands and feet are deadly, yet his mind is peaceful and serene. He crosses the seemingly endless dunes of a desert, taunted by a scorching sun. For him it is a walk in the park. So focused, so disciplined, nothing fazes him.

The miners at the saloon don't believe him when he tells them that he walked across the desert. They almost don't believe what they see with their own eyes. A ruffian pulls a knife and Caine deftly kicks it out of the ruffian's hand--the knife is launched and sticks to the ceiling.

The ruffian tries to club Caine with a chair. The chair is blocked by Caine's lighting hand, then his foot connects with the ruffian's stomach, sending the ruffian hurling into a card table, which collapses to the floor.

Chinese are not allowed in the saloon, but no-one, from now on, tries to stop Caine from finishing his water mixed with tea leaves from his pouch. The crowd stands in awe of this seemingly simple, soft-spoken man who is a Kung Fu master.

Caine's memories are flashbacks to his youth at the Shaolin Temple in China. His father was American. His mother was Chinese. His parents are dead and he was an orphan. From this tragedy and discord arose his inner harmony and oneness with the universe.

The Shaolin masters taught him well. After walking on rice paper, after taking a pebble from his master's hand, after branding his forearms with dragon symbols while carrying a caldron of hot coals, it is time for him to leave, to go to America, to find his brother Daniel Caine, to find his roots, and to escape the price on his head.

Why is there a price on his head? The answer is revealed when you hear the grasshopper. To hear the grasshopper, according to the blind Master Po, you must learn to see with your ears.

Of course, watching the video might be easier.

This video is the pilot to the Kung Fu television series which debuted in 1972.

David Carradine stars as Kwai Chang Caine in this action-adventure western-or should I say eastern? In either case, Carradine plays the role in the center-very convincingly.

Keye Luke plays the sweetest, wisest, and most nurturing old man you will ever see. As the blind but extraordinary Master Po, he teaches young Grasshopper (Caine) the Taoist philosophy.

Philip Ahn is Master Kan-serene and surreal as he delivers the classic line: "When you can take the pebble from my hand, it will be time for you to leave."

Rad Pera is Kwai Chang Caine the boy. Always placid, always open, always ready to soak up his lessons like a sponge.

The supporting cast did their jobs well and earned their pay. The fight choreography is not the best I have seen; however, the philosophical teachings delivered by Caine and his masters are the most fascinating aspect of this video.

The theme music is oriental with reed instruments setting the serene and centered tone of the flashback scenes in China. The costumes, sets and locations are convincing and made me forget that I was just watching a video.

I could write more words, but I won't. Kwai Chang Caine says, "If words are no better than silence, it is better to remain silent."


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Hannah Montana Rhymes with Banana

Nobody's perfect;
She leads a double life;
Miley Stewart by day,
Hannah Montana by night.

She conceals her true identity
From the public eye;
It's no big deal, really;
Just one little white lie.

Hannah Montana..
Rhymes with banana;
She's played by Miley Cyrus;
Average teen by day,
Pop star by night,
Better than a computer virus...

The Disney Channel,
A Teen Choice Award,
Comedy at its best!
You won't get bored.

The best of both worlds,
A star and a geek,
Check your T.V. guide;
Tune in and take a peek.

Hannah Montana..
Rhymes with banana;
She's played by Miley Cyrus;
Average teen by day,
Pop star by night,
Better than a computer virus...

Emily Osment, Mitchel Musso,
Make up the supporting cast;
So does Jason Earles and Billy Ray Cyrus;
You're gonna have a blast!

Watching Hannah Montana
And listening to her sang;
Her backup band is bitchin'
When they do their thang!

Hannah Montana..
Rhymes with banana;
She's played by Miley Cyrus;
Average teen by day,
Pop star by night,
Better than a computer virus...

Waaaaaaaaay bettaaah.....than a computer virus....yeah!

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