The comet reaches earth. The year is 60 B.C.-or is it B.S.? The name of the film was Vercingetorix, but it was changed to Druids (?). After all, even though Vercingetorix is the main character in the film, a druid does make a cameo appearance. The producers considered calling this film Comet, but the comet's role is too large.
The story takes place in ancient Gaul, but was filmed in Bulgaria-or was that Bull-garia? Young prince Vercingetorix witnesses his father's assassination plotted by the Romans and a rival Gallic Chieftain. He swears he will avenge his father's death someday, but for now he will pledge his undying LOVE and DEVOTION(yawn) to Epona, a princess who is his childhood sweetheart, then get out of Dodge before the assassins kill him.
Of course, he can't take the girl with him when he flees. They have to separate and lead separate lives until they reach adulthood and meet again under awkward circumstances. I'm sorry, but that's how it is with these ancient chivalry-type films.
Let's see, what happens next? Oh yeah...he appears in the next scene as a fully-grown prince. He then...hmmm? Oh! I know! He meets up with the princess again, and she is fully-grown too. However, she appears to be shacking up with Julius Caesar, and the circumstances are awkward. What happened to that pledge of undying love between prince and princess? It apparently disappeared into the oblivion of space along with the comet and special effects.
Then what happens? Oh, right! He avenges his father's death.
At one point in the film, he meets up with the druid. The druid introduces him to a foxy sword-fighting chick named Rhia (who is no relation to Zena The Warrior Princess). She does a splendid job teaching Vercingetorix to fight with a sword. "If you spill one drop of my blood, you can do whatever you want with me," she says, batting her eyelashes. "YEAH, BABY! Let's get it on!" He doesn't really say that, but you get the idea.
Meanwhile, Julius Caesar has this thing for Gaul. He sort of wants it for his private collection. During one scene, his army is attacking Vercingetorix's castle. Ya know, that dude's name is hard to say. So from now on I'll just refer to him as V, OK? Anyway, V's army is away from the castle and is planning to attack Caesar from the rear.
The women are still at the castle. They line up on the castle wall and have the Gaul to bare their breasts to the Roman army. A diversionary tactic? Perhaps, but Caesar is not impressed. He has bigger tits than any of those women judging from the size of his breastplate.
From the castle wall, the bare-breasted babes also throw down chickens to the starving Roman army. The disciplined ranks swiftly turn to chaos. There is nothing a Roman soldier wants more than a face full of chicken and breasts.
V not only has to fight Romans in this film, he has to fight some weird red-tie-dye-haired dudes from the north called Teutons. I must say this film's plot really put me on the edge of my seat-I couldn't wait to leave the room to go floss my teeth.
The acting is superbly insipid. First we have V who is played by Christopher Lambert. He has all the charisma from the Highlander films emoting from his being. Oh, I beg your pardon, it was Sean Connery who had the charisma in the Highlander films. Christopher Lambert is the one with the raspy voice that sounds like he smokes five packs of cigarettes a day along with having a bad case of laryngitis.
Next we have Max von Sydow who is the star of the movie. He played the part of the druid. He delivered his handful of lines like a pro. He contrasted Lambert's American accent with his German accent. I thought that was a nice touch. I was able to tell which Gaul was which.
Julius Caesar is played by Klaus Maria Brandauer. He is the fattest Julius Caesar I have ever seen in any film. He tried out for the part of the comet but did not get the role. He also has a German accent. I think that is a good thing, because if he had an Italian accent, it would be hard to distinguish him from the other Romans.
Ines Sastre is Epona. She is good looking and her acting (yawn) was (yawn...zzz...zzz...zzz).
Finally, Maria Kavardjikova plays Rhia. She bared her breasts during one scene to distract a Roman guard. That's good enough for me.
The costumes are cool; they appear to be authentic, although, Christopher Lambert's hairdresser must have been on acid. The scenery and sets look pretty good too. The producers managed to pick locations in Bulgaria that resemble ancient Gaul-or maybe not. It's hard to say. Ancient Gaul was before my time.
Directed by--Jacques Dorfman
Release Date: 2001
Runtime: 124 mins.
Rated R
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