Technical note
Misspelled words and bad grammar are done on purpose in this review to simulate the western dialect of this reviewer.
WP: Howdy Pardners! Welcome to another Roundup Review! Today, my cousin Wilbert and me was sittin' in my livin' room watchin' the Tombstone DVD. We was havin' a six-pack uh beer (belch) and done watched the entire movie. Didn't we, Wilbert?
Wilbert: We (belch) sure did. Now we's gonna do one uh them fancy-pants reviews like Pickles and Beaver.
WP: That's Siskel and Ebert, squirrel brain!
Wilbert: Oh, sorry bout' that, Will.
WP: That's alright, Wilbert. You can't hep it if a truck backed over yer head when you was a kid. Now let's talk about them AK-tors in the movie: First off, thars Kurt Russell playin' the part uh Wyatt Earp.
Wilbert: Yeah, he's the same feller who played the monkey boy on Gilligan's Isle. Hehehe!
WP: That's right. Then we got Val Kilmer playin' Doc Holiday--
Wilbert: Uh huh, he was the same feller who done played the part uh "Ice Cube" in Top Gun.
WP: Wilbert, I swear yer head must be a block of ice! He played "Iceman"-not Ice Cube. That brings us to Sam Elliott who played Virgil Earp. He also appeared in the movie Frogs.
Wilbert: Ribbit...ribbit...
WP: Very funny. Now shut yer pie hole! And uh course, Bill Paxton played Morgan Earp.
Wilbert: Oh yeah! He was in the movie Brain Dead! One uh my all-time favorites.
WP: That figures. Any who, that about covers the good guys in the movie. The bad guys, also known as the Cowboys, don't wear no black hats. They wears red hankies instead. I found that a might peculiar.
Wilbert: Well maybe they blows thar noses a lot. Hehehe! Powers Booth, who played Richard III in the Goodbye Girl, played Curly Bill Brocious. Michael Bien of the Terminator played Johnny Ringo. Stephen Lang played Ike Clanton. He looked like a polecat with a bad perm. Also we have Billy Clanton played by Thomas Hayden Church.
WP: Why Wilbert! That was down-right professional presentin' of the bad guys. What's gotten into you?
Wilbert: I think I'm soberin' up (belch).
WP: Is that a fact?
Wilbert: That's a fact.
WP: Well, Wilbert, I do believe yer sittin' in my chair.
Wilbert: Is that a fact? Hehehe! Will, we just done played our favorite scene in the movie where Kurt Russell tells Billy Bob Thornton that he's sittin' in his chair.
WP: That is a fact. Hehehe! I like the way Kurt Russell done slapped Billy Bob up side the head and dragged him out uh the saloon by his ear. Hehehe! Uh course every western movie needs a leadin' lady. Dana Delany played that part, and she's one PURDY gal! UUUUUUHWHEEEEE!!!
Wilbert: Yep, she has quite a hitch in her get-a-long if ya know what I mean! She starts out in the movie as Sheriff Behan's gal-but she has her eye on Wyatt. Jon Tenney played Behan.
WP: You got it, cousin. The movie begins with Wyatt Earp movin' to Tombstone. He wants to give up being a law dog and make his fortune and lead a quite life--
Wilbert: But the bad guys wouldn't let 'em.
WP: That's right. The plot gets thicker and thicker like molasses till Wyatt, Doc, Virgil and Morgan ain't gonna take it no more! They finally meet up with the bad guys at the OK corral-
Wilbert: Where they has that legendary CON-FRON-TA-SHUN.
WP: You got it! Ya know, the movie also has its funny parts-
Wilbert: Yeah! Like when Johnny Ringo was twirlin' his gun, tryin' to intimidate Doc Holiday.
WP: Uh huh, and when Johnny was all done twirlin', Doc started twirlin' the tin cup he was holdin'. Hehehe! That was a kick in the britches, wadn't it?
Wilbert: Hehehe! It sure enough was, Will. Say Will, maybe we should tell the Pardners readin' this review about the cinnamon-taffy.
WP: The what?
Wilbert: You know, the cinnamon-taffy-the picture quality of the movie.
WP: It's the cinematography, you horse's tailpipe! The scenes looked fine ta me. Thar was one thang though that looked like a phony two-dollar bill.
Wilbert: Tell us, Will, inquirin' minds want ta know. Hehehe!
WP: Well, every cowboy in that movie carried his-self a 600 shooter-they never seemed to run outta bullets.
Wilbert: Hehehe! I know whatcha mean. I thought Doc Holiday was kinda phony too when he say, "I'm your huckleberry." That ain't right. Thar was no Huckleberry Hound cartoons in 1881.
WP: Why cousin Wilbert. You really hit the nail on the fence post. I never noticed that before. Any who, all thangs taken into account I rate this movie four red hankies; how 'bout yerself?
Wilbert: Four red hankies sounds good.
WP: Well thar ya have it folks: yer epinions review of Tombstone--
Wilbert: --by Pickles and Beaver.
WP: That's Siskel and Ebert, squirrel brain! Now get outta my chair...
Directed by George P. Cosmatos
Screenplay by Kevin Jarre
Runtime 130 minutes
Rated R
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