Technical note

Misspelled words and bad grammar are done on purpose in this review to simulate the western dialect of this reviewer.

WP: Howdy Pardners! Welcome to another Roundup Review! Today, my cousin Wilbert and me was sittin' in my livin' room watchin' the Tombstone DVD. We was havin' a six-pack uh beer (belch) and done watched the entire movie. Didn't we, Wilbert?

Wilbert: We (belch) sure did. Now we's gonna do one uh them fancy-pants reviews like Pickles and Beaver.

WP: That's Siskel and Ebert, squirrel brain!

Wilbert: Oh, sorry bout' that, Will.

WP: That's alright, Wilbert. You can't hep it if a truck backed over yer head when you was a kid. Now let's talk about them AK-tors in the movie: First off, thars Kurt Russell playin' the part uh Wyatt Earp.

Wilbert: Yeah, he's the same feller who played the monkey boy on Gilligan's Isle. Hehehe!

WP: That's right. Then we got Val Kilmer playin' Doc Holiday--

Wilbert: Uh huh, he was the same feller who done played the part uh "Ice Cube" in Top Gun.

WP: Wilbert, I swear yer head must be a block of ice! He played "Iceman"-not Ice Cube. That brings us to Sam Elliott who played Virgil Earp. He also appeared in the movie Frogs.

Wilbert: Ribbit...ribbit...

WP: Very funny. Now shut yer pie hole! And uh course, Bill Paxton played Morgan Earp.

Wilbert: Oh yeah! He was in the movie Brain Dead! One uh my all-time favorites.

WP: That figures. Any who, that about covers the good guys in the movie. The bad guys, also known as the Cowboys, don't wear no black hats. They wears red hankies instead. I found that a might peculiar.

Wilbert: Well maybe they blows thar noses a lot. Hehehe! Powers Booth, who played Richard III in the Goodbye Girl, played Curly Bill Brocious. Michael Bien of the Terminator played Johnny Ringo. Stephen Lang played Ike Clanton. He looked like a polecat with a bad perm. Also we have Billy Clanton played by Thomas Hayden Church.

WP: Why Wilbert! That was down-right professional presentin' of the bad guys. What's gotten into you?

Wilbert: I think I'm soberin' up (belch).

WP: Is that a fact?

Wilbert: That's a fact.

WP: Well, Wilbert, I do believe yer sittin' in my chair.

Wilbert: Is that a fact? Hehehe! Will, we just done played our favorite scene in the movie where Kurt Russell tells Billy Bob Thornton that he's sittin' in his chair.

WP: That is a fact. Hehehe! I like the way Kurt Russell done slapped Billy Bob up side the head and dragged him out uh the saloon by his ear. Hehehe! Uh course every western movie needs a leadin' lady. Dana Delany played that part, and she's one PURDY gal! UUUUUUHWHEEEEE!!!

Wilbert: Yep, she has quite a hitch in her get-a-long if ya know what I mean! She starts out in the movie as Sheriff Behan's gal-but she has her eye on Wyatt. Jon Tenney played Behan.

WP: You got it, cousin. The movie begins with Wyatt Earp movin' to Tombstone. He wants to give up being a law dog and make his fortune and lead a quite life--

Wilbert: But the bad guys wouldn't let 'em.

WP: That's right. The plot gets thicker and thicker like molasses till Wyatt, Doc, Virgil and Morgan ain't gonna take it no more! They finally meet up with the bad guys at the OK corral-

Wilbert: Where they has that legendary CON-FRON-TA-SHUN.

WP: You got it! Ya know, the movie also has its funny parts-

Wilbert: Yeah! Like when Johnny Ringo was twirlin' his gun, tryin' to intimidate Doc Holiday.

WP: Uh huh, and when Johnny was all done twirlin', Doc started twirlin' the tin cup he was holdin'. Hehehe! That was a kick in the britches, wadn't it?

Wilbert: Hehehe! It sure enough was, Will. Say Will, maybe we should tell the Pardners readin' this review about the cinnamon-taffy.

WP: The what?

Wilbert: You know, the cinnamon-taffy-the picture quality of the movie.

WP: It's the cinematography, you horse's tailpipe! The scenes looked fine ta me. Thar was one thang though that looked like a phony two-dollar bill.

Wilbert: Tell us, Will, inquirin' minds want ta know. Hehehe!

WP: Well, every cowboy in that movie carried his-self a 600 shooter-they never seemed to run outta bullets.

Wilbert: Hehehe! I know whatcha mean. I thought Doc Holiday was kinda phony too when he say, "I'm your huckleberry." That ain't right. Thar was no Huckleberry Hound cartoons in 1881.

WP: Why cousin Wilbert. You really hit the nail on the fence post. I never noticed that before. Any who, all thangs taken into account I rate this movie four red hankies; how 'bout yerself?

Wilbert: Four red hankies sounds good.

WP: Well thar ya have it folks: yer epinions review of Tombstone--

Wilbert: --by Pickles and Beaver.

WP: That's Siskel and Ebert, squirrel brain! Now get outta my chair...

Directed by George P. Cosmatos
Screenplay by Kevin Jarre
Runtime 130 minutes
Rated R

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Romeo and Juliet--The Motion Picture

When I was a young lad of years numbering ten, this film was released way back then. So long ago yet, it seems like yesterday when I first watched this film based on Shakespeare's play.

Whilst I watched, my world reflected back at me from the mirror-like movie screen. Such noteworthy acting I hath ne'er before seen. Whilst I watched this film I felt such adolescent joy when a Capulet girl met that Montague boy!

I felt the star-crossed lovers' glee! How lucky in love such lovers must be. I remembered back when I was young, the lovers I had gained and lost, not knowing the trials, not knowing the cost.

'Twas not my plan to cry in my beer. Patience was not a virtue my tears held dear. My shredded heart put my face to the test. 'Twas the mask of Tragedy that suited me best.

Fear near doom hangs on its last breath. I know what it is to lose a loved one to death. Thus I totally related to this tale of woe--of Juliet and her dear, sweet Romeo.

Mark me well. To thee I pray. 'Tis the most noble film based on Shakespeare's play.

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Druids--A Film Review

In the beginning...during the opening credits...the sun...radiates in the dark endless pit of space that seems to stretch to infinity-like the runtime of this film. A comet appears-the quality of the special effects disappears...into the oblivion of space.

The comet reaches earth. The year is 60 B.C.-or is it B.S.? The name of the film was Vercingetorix, but it was changed to Druids (?). After all, even though Vercingetorix is the main character in the film, a druid does make a cameo appearance. The producers considered calling this film Comet, but the comet's role is too large.

The story takes place in ancient Gaul, but was filmed in Bulgaria-or was that Bull-garia? Young prince Vercingetorix witnesses his father's assassination plotted by the Romans and a rival Gallic Chieftain. He swears he will avenge his father's death someday, but for now he will pledge his undying LOVE and DEVOTION(yawn) to Epona, a princess who is his childhood sweetheart, then get out of Dodge before the assassins kill him.

Of course, he can't take the girl with him when he flees. They have to separate and lead separate lives until they reach adulthood and meet again under awkward circumstances. I'm sorry, but that's how it is with these ancient chivalry-type films.

Let's see, what happens next? Oh yeah...he appears in the next scene as a fully-grown prince. He then...hmmm? Oh! I know! He meets up with the princess again, and she is fully-grown too. However, she appears to be shacking up with Julius Caesar, and the circumstances are awkward. What happened to that pledge of undying love between prince and princess? It apparently disappeared into the oblivion of space along with the comet and special effects.

Then what happens? Oh, right! He avenges his father's death.

At one point in the film, he meets up with the druid. The druid introduces him to a foxy sword-fighting chick named Rhia (who is no relation to Zena The Warrior Princess). She does a splendid job teaching Vercingetorix to fight with a sword. "If you spill one drop of my blood, you can do whatever you want with me," she says, batting her eyelashes. "YEAH, BABY! Let's get it on!" He doesn't really say that, but you get the idea.

Meanwhile, Julius Caesar has this thing for Gaul. He sort of wants it for his private collection. During one scene, his army is attacking Vercingetorix's castle. Ya know, that dude's name is hard to say. So from now on I'll just refer to him as V, OK? Anyway, V's army is away from the castle and is planning to attack Caesar from the rear.

The women are still at the castle. They line up on the castle wall and have the Gaul to bare their breasts to the Roman army. A diversionary tactic? Perhaps, but Caesar is not impressed. He has bigger tits than any of those women judging from the size of his breastplate.

From the castle wall, the bare-breasted babes also throw down chickens to the starving Roman army. The disciplined ranks swiftly turn to chaos. There is nothing a Roman soldier wants more than a face full of chicken and breasts.

V not only has to fight Romans in this film, he has to fight some weird red-tie-dye-haired dudes from the north called Teutons. I must say this film's plot really put me on the edge of my seat-I couldn't wait to leave the room to go floss my teeth.

The acting is superbly insipid. First we have V who is played by Christopher Lambert. He has all the charisma from the Highlander films emoting from his being. Oh, I beg your pardon, it was Sean Connery who had the charisma in the Highlander films. Christopher Lambert is the one with the raspy voice that sounds like he smokes five packs of cigarettes a day along with having a bad case of laryngitis.

Next we have Max von Sydow who is the star of the movie. He played the part of the druid. He delivered his handful of lines like a pro. He contrasted Lambert's American accent with his German accent. I thought that was a nice touch. I was able to tell which Gaul was which.

Julius Caesar is played by Klaus Maria Brandauer. He is the fattest Julius Caesar I have ever seen in any film. He tried out for the part of the comet but did not get the role. He also has a German accent. I think that is a good thing, because if he had an Italian accent, it would be hard to distinguish him from the other Romans.

Ines Sastre is Epona. She is good looking and her acting (yawn) was (yawn...zzz...zzz...zzz).

Finally, Maria Kavardjikova plays Rhia. She bared her breasts during one scene to distract a Roman guard. That's good enough for me.

The costumes are cool; they appear to be authentic, although, Christopher Lambert's hairdresser must have been on acid. The scenery and sets look pretty good too. The producers managed to pick locations in Bulgaria that resemble ancient Gaul-or maybe not. It's hard to say. Ancient Gaul was before my time.

Directed by--Jacques Dorfman
Release Date: 2001
Runtime: 124 mins.
Rated R

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Rapa Nui--Who Will Be Your Birdman?

Imagine the Milky Way Galaxy. Zoom in until you see our solar system. Zoom in closer until you see Earth. Zoom in even closer until you see the Pacific Ocean, then a lone isolated island.

Rapa Nui, the navel of the world, is what they, the inhabitants, called the home that we refer to as Easter Island. After a thousand years of isolation, they believed they were the only people left on earth--that all other lands sank beneath the seemingly endless sea surrounding their isolated island.

The plot begins sometime before the first Europeans arrived. The inhabitants are divided into two factions: the ruling class (long ears) and the servant class (short ears).

Under the command of the ruling class, the short ears slave away at building incredibly large facial statutes or moi for the purpose of appeasing the gods. It is hoped by the Ariki-mau, the birdman or island leader (played by Eru Potaka-Dewes), that the statutes will bring the legendary white canoe--which will take the inhabitants away to salvation. However, the growing discontent and hostility of the short ears boils like magma beneath the surface of a volcano that is about to erupt.

Against this backdrop, imagine three lines drawn between three dots to make a love triangle between the long-ear protagonist, Noro (played by Jason Scott Lee); his short-ear best friend, Make (played by Esai Morales); and the woman they both love, a short ear named Ramana (played by Sandrine Holt).

These three dots revolve around the nucleus of the plot, which is the annual birdman race. The winner of this race shall determine which long-ear chief shall be the supreme ruler (birdman). Each chief selects his finest athlete to compete on his behalf. The object of the race is to climb down a perilous cliff, swim across the shark-infested bay to an islet where the competitor retrieves a native bird egg, then he must be the first to return the egg to his chief. The short ears have never been allowed to compete-but this year's race is an exception.

The short ears threaten not to build anymore moi unless they are allowed to compete. The Ariki-mau grants their request on one condition: if the short-ear competitor loses the race, he shall be sacrificed to the gods.

Make is the short-ear competitor (surprise, surprise). Noro is competing on behalf of his uncle, the Ariki-mau. If Noro wins the race, his best friend Make dies. If Make wins, Make shall become birdman and will marry Ramana, who loves and is loved by Noro.

Can the plot get any thicker? Sure it can. Ramana, according to custom, must rot in the cold dark virgin cave for six months before the race so she will be purified--or die in the process. Even if she survives, she may be forced to marry Make rather than her true love Noro.

The mysterious white canoe also makes an appearance near the end of the film. I found this to be a very unexpected surprise-like a who-done-it mystery solved. Although, what happens here is nothing compared to this film's climactic ending-which I will not spoil for you.

I really enjoyed not only this film's story, but the larger-than-life sunrises and sunsets behind an endless-ocean horizon. I loved the images of blue-green surf slapping against black-obsidian jagged cliffs. The construction and erection of gigantic moi statutes was a wonder to watch.

The theme music was rather unique and captured the essence of the plot and the island images. It mainly consisted of pulsating synthesizer strings. During the closing credits, I heard what sounded like authentic Polynesian tribal music. I found that rather fascinating.

Some noted flaws in the film were the actors' inconsistent pronunciation of the word "Ariki-mau." Sometimes they pronounced it "Ariki-moi," or "Ariki-moe" as in Larry, Curley and Moe. Another flaw was the fact that Noro was trained for the race by a short-ear coach. Since short ears weren't normally allowed to compete in the race, one has to wonder where this short-ear coach gained his experience.

On the whole, Rapa Nui is a magnificent film to watch. The acting and direction was superb--Esai Morales did what I thought was some of the best acting I have ever seen.

The plot is a fictional account of what happened during those turbulent times of Easter Island's history--Kevin Reynolds' screenplay hit the ball out of the park! I was left with the impression that this film's plot may have really happened.

I say watch this flick and rate it four stars yourself.

Written and directed by Kevin Reynolds
Original music by Stewart Copland
Produced by Kevin Costner
Runtime: 120 minutes
Rated R

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Columbo - "Prescription Murder"

Columbo: Excuse me, sorry to bother you...I was just wonderin' if you have a light for my cigar?

WP: Who are you and how did you get in here?

Columbo: Sorry that I startled you. I'm Lieutenant Columbo of the Los Angeles Police. I'm investigating a murder.

WP: A murder? Well, surely you don't think I had anything to do with all those corpses buried in my back yard?!

Columbo: You have a back yard? Well, I must say, my wife and I live in a dingy little apartment with only a balcony. We always wanted a place with a yard and--

WP: Lieutenant, I'm very busy at the moment. Could you please get to the point!

Columbo: Sure, sure. I'm just here for your review along with the other cast members. Now how about that light? (williampinn lights Columbo's cigar with a Bic lighter that will be reviewed separately.)

WP: OK, so you are here for my review. Tell me about this murder you are investigating.

Dr. Flemming: I'll tell you what you want to know. Permit me to introduce myself. My name is Dr. Ray Flemming. The Lieutenant here has some crazy wild-eyed notion that I killed my rich wife who threatened to divorce me, ruin my psychiatry practice, and cut me out of her rich family's circle of influence.

Surely, none of what I just told you is hardly a motive for murdering my wife Carol. When she was alive, she and I had a simple misunderstanding. She believed that I was having an affair with my mistress Joan Hudson. Have you ever heard of anything so preposterous?

WP: Was that you digging in my backyard last night?

Joan: Oh surely your joking! Ray would never hurt a fly. He and I are going to be together from now on. I'll have him all to myself.

Columbo: I beg your pardon, Miss...eh...

Joan: Hudson.

Columbo: Yes, Miss Hudson, I was just wondering if you and Dr. Flemming know each other.

Joan: Well...yes...he's my...my psychiatrist. I'm his patient.

Columbo: I see. Thanks for clearing that up for me. Oh...say...ah...just one more thing, Ms Hudson.

Joan: Yes?

Columbo: Are you and Dr. Flemming here having some sort of affair?

Dr. Flemming: Don't tell him anything, Joan, not until we have destroyed all the evidence.

Joan: (To Ray.) Yes, of course, darling. (To Columbo.) No Lieutenant! We're not having an affair!

Columbo: Thanks for clearing that up. I'll be in touch.

WP: Well, AC reader, what you have just witnessed is a sample of what you can expect to see and hear when you watch Prescription: Murder the 1968 pilot episode of the Columbo television series.

Peter Falk plays the role of Lieutenant Columbo. Columbo plays dumb to disarm his murder suspects. He is actually a genius on the same level as Sherlock Holmes. Peter Falk clearly defined the role with his mangy overcoat, bad posture, and gesticulations with cigar in hand.

Gene Barry smoothly plays the overconfident and arrogant Dr. Ray Flemming.

Nina Foch does a believable job playing the incensed Mrs. Flemming.

Katherine Justice shows off her fine acting talent by playing the terribly naive mistress of Dr. Flemming.

Another notable performance came from William Windom who expertly played Dr. Flemming's best friend Burt Gordon.

The plot is not the typical who-done-it mystery, but rather a how-is-Columbo-going-to-catch-this-guy mystery. All the scenes were masterfully executed. I found myself immersed in Columbo's jurisdiction and totally hooked by the suspense of the story.

This is an exceptional pilot that kicked off a series that is now considered a classic-I rate it five cigars..er...stars.

Columbo: Say...sorry to bother you again-

WP: What is it now, Lieutenant?!

Columbo: The wife and I are looking for a new place with a yard. I was just wonderin' if you know of any place that is available in your neighborhood.

WP: I have a question for you, Columbo! For years I have watched you jerk suspects around with your nonchalant banter. You mention your wife in so many episodes, but we never see her. We see your basset hound but never your wife-

Columbo: What are you driving at?

WP: You murdered your wife! Am I right?

Columbo: You finally found me out. I don't know what to say.

WP: Officers, take the Lieutenant into custody...

Written by Richard Levinson, William Link
Directed and produced by Richard Irving
Runtime: 99 mins.
Air date: 2/20/68

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